“Nobody will do it better than me”, “Others know better”, “I don’t need no one” … Such attitudes limit our lives, make us more tense. The study of the sources will help to weaken their influence. Together with a gestalt-therapist we figure out how to do it.
Scenario 1. "No one can like me"
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From birth, the child served parents to satisfy their ambitions, and his real needs and desires did not find support. Parents demanded the best results from him, idealized his successes, or, on the contrary, humiliated the child if he did not reach a given bar.
This attitude causes a deep injury associated with the experience of its own "I", and subsequently a violation of self -esteem.
How it manifests itself
For such an adult, success is extremely important. He presents to himself and others overstated requirements and is often disappointed if he does not receive an “perfect result”. Can throw the case halfway, accusing others of their incompetence, nonsense.
In fact, deep down, he is afraid to face his restrictions and imperfection. He sees the world through the prism of hierarchies and statuses: he evaluates others depending on their position in society, external attractiveness, wealth or level of powers. And he seeks to surround himself with external attributes of social success – in order to feel his significance and value.
What to do
Learn to trust. Think about whether there are those who are easier for you to trust in your life. Who is this? What exactly is your trust in them? For example, it’s easier for you to trust the one who treats you unequivocally. Or when you are sure: the information you share remains between you. Perhaps the list of fairly reliable acquaintances can be expanded?
Learn to value yourself regardless of the assessment of others and circumstances. Accumulate experience where you are not accepted for merits, but because you just like it and good with you. Ask yourself a question more often: who am I without the achievements and attributes of success?
Scenario 2. "I do not need anyone"
Than called
Parents were so cold and suspended that the child felt unwanted and meaningless. Against this background, there was a blocking of vital energy, disconnecting from emotions and the world.
How it manifests itself
Such people are often restrained, immersed in themselves. They feel great alone with work, book or computer game. And interaction with people causes tension and feeling of awkwardness. Talk, negotiate, ask for something-this is a test for them.
It is important for such an adult to feel safe. A computer game, exciting the plot of the book, a scientific experiment creates a security space in which it can interact with other “characters”, maintaining his independence.
What to do
It is important to make contact with other people more https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/sildalist often, overcoming fears and inconvenience. Search people with common interests (the one with whom you can share your world).
Think about what you want And what thoughts stop you? For example: on the one hand – I want a relationship, but on the other – I’m afraid that it will make my life complex. The task is to explore your internal conflict, find your true need and find the sphere of activity that will satisfy each of the "heroes" of the conflict.
Scenario 3. "Others know better"
Than called
Parents did not support independence and the ability to take risks. Due to the strong anxiety for the child, they resorted to threats, manipulations or punishment for the actions in which the child showed self-will and aggression.
How it manifests itself
People with dependent behavior are not used to relying on themselves, solving something and responsible for it. It is important for them to verify all actions with the expectations of others. It is quite difficult for them to defend their opinion, argue, do what others do not like.
Behind these actions is a fear of losing important relations for yourself. Pretending that they like everything, they express dissatisfaction in a passive form. For example, complaining to a third party that they do not dare to say right in the dialogue.
What to do
Explore your fears and check with reality. For example, if you are afraid that another will not like what you say or do, just ask about his opinion. This will help to separate your projection from reality.
If you understand that you are really wrong in something, you can adjust your actions. If you realize that fears are far -fetched, it will become easier for you. At least at the moment.
Learn to give careful feedback. For this, you can first emphasize that you like it or valuable (this part maintains a connection with another person), and then only add that you would like to improve. For example: “I appreciate your desire to help me, but it will be more pleasant to me if you do it not through advice, but just after listening to me”.
Scenario 4. "This is my burden"
Than called
A child who is too controlled and suppressed by authoritarian parents quickly begins to restrain his aggressive, hostile impulses. In communication with other people, such a person usually takes a conformist or helpful position, often showing passive aggression.
How it manifests itself
It is important for adults to feel the framework and restrictions. Often they have a bad job that does not bring pleasure. They patiently endure suffering and share them with everyone who is ready to listen. However, they do not seek to improve the situation.
If someone offers alternative solutions-they reject them. When criticizing (“You just complain, but do not change anything”) They will splash out their anger on you for insensibility and misunderstanding of the hopelessness of the situation.
Their frequent satellites are hopelessness, deep distrust, disbelief in the future. It would seem why create conditions for yourself where it is difficult to be and little pleasure. However, once such behavior helped these people adapt to the conditions where they lived.
The more sadistic and totalitarian the system in which a person lives, the stronger his sense of self -significance. Such people are sure: the threat lies in pleasure, and his experience gives rise to fear and guilt. In their experience, the punishment follows pleasure.
What to do
Learn to enjoy. This can be a difficult step, since you need not only to find what really brings pleasure, but also to overcome resistance (and it has been worked out and trained for years).
Start small: try to pay attention to what you like during the day. What is nice to look at in the room where you are? Who is pleasant to communicate with? What work is nice to do?
Ask yourself these questions every day. The more repetitions, the less inhibitory experiences, and pleasure will gradually become larger.
Scenario 5. “Who am I?"And" What do I want?"
Than called
Mother is emotionally inaccessible, alienated from the child. This is one of the most destructive patterns of maternal behavior. In such conditions, the child cannot develop normally, because his basic needs are not satisfied.
This is not always manifested openly – outwardly, the mother may seem perfect, but in fact she is immune and not caring. She ignores the child and does not take his emotions seriously, does not try to create a close connection with him, feels more comfortable at a distance from the child (emotional and physical).
How it manifests itself
It is difficult for such an adult to rely on yourself. He does not understand well and feels his identity. He perceives his abilities, merits as something random, unstable, which cannot be leaning on.
For example, a person can feel quite successful, but it is worthwhile to speak unsuccessfully, and his idea of himself immediately collapses. He worries this not as a mistake, but as what characterizes him ("I am a loser"). The self -worth has to be confirmed again and again.
What to do
Do not forget that you can. What are your skills and abilities? If it seems to you that you do not know how – believe me, this does not happen. Remember that you are doing well, for which you are usually praised and thank others. These can be the simplest things – for example, the ability to come on time, responsibly to fulfill instructions.
Keep your interests in focus. Remember what fascinated you as a child. What do you like to do now? Write down everything that you are interested in. Look into this list periodically and introduce items from it if possible to life.